Easter should be a happy day but not today while Bong's wake go on. I do not know now which to dread more: my current state of being in an unclarified loss, he is still here but no longer, suspending me in life as if it is still with Bong and yet without him, or the state of loss after burial which would inevitably be as real and as cold as the last trowel of cement thrown to seal his apartment type tomb?
I fear depression rearing its ugly head. I fear that it might set in worse than what I went through when I lost one of my best friends late last year, which now do I only realize coincided with Bong's illness starting to get more difficult to ignore. Only Bong knew what I was going through then, a depression that barely touched the surface, allowing me to keep a face for others while life actually ground to a halt, for reasons I do not exactly know why, otherwise, all my attempts to fight it would somehow have gotten me out of it. It breaks my heart to think if I failed him when he needed me most because of what I was going through then.
I do not know whether grieving more for my loss would be best, hoping that would quickly get me back on the road to recovery. But what if it delivers me on the road to perdition just as fast? Should I hold back then? Would that put the beast of depression in check or would I just be dishonoring the memory of my beloved who taught me how one loves in countless tiny ways that there is no need to say the trite old words that can never encompass all that he did for me and all that I was for him.
It is Easter, it is not happy but it holds out a promise I can hold onto. May it salve my loss, may it sing my grief to sleep.
